making meaning; fear and trembling

where have i been?
for the inherent meaninglessness and futility of life only hit me, in its bare and morbid entirety, 2 days ago. and i was mortified, paralysed, depressed, frightful. i wanted to die. or'd rather—what other point is there except to die? what purpose can there be if our flame were to be extinguished any way we think about it. because any work or cause or passion there is to do is essentially futile. nothing will remain, the goodness will not be known. there is #noexit (or only one exit), is there?

but i didn't want to sit with this feeling. why? because i didn't want to die? maybe. or because dying now is just "not right"? maybe. or because it would be "wrong", in every sense? maybe. so i grasped for answers.

for one, i was going to do a tattoo the very next day, and it was something i had been contemplating for a while (a month or two maybe)—a heart, like a geometric heart (not the organ). A year ago, it would never have even been remotely in my aesthetic or intellectual radar. today, it is perhaps the only reason i find, worth living for. yes, love.

i would never in my 31 years imagine myself saying this. or maybe, it's not so surprising after all. maybe love, or the idea of it, has been the general theme/motivating force of my life, except that i chose to keep it wrapped up snugly in the corner of my yearning heart. it has always been a tussle. wanting to experience the immensities of it, yet not ready and prepared to have it being torn apart. in any case, i seem to hold the things i find important far far away from the reaches of my being. the more important they are, they further away they are. story of my life. so yes, love.
and at this point, it didnt matter if i have experienced it or not. the very idea and notion was enough to keep me afloat. because all thing aside, what remains, really, is love. take the materials things away, money away, job away, technology away.... everything conceivable away, what's left that's worth our saving and savouring is love. because only love can transcend fear, and space, and time. this was a lightbulb moment, and was a potent and important one. and to add on to it, it's the love of not just yourself, your family, friends or romantic partner, but the love of all living things. the love of strangers near and far, the love of animals, the love of nature in all its immensities, beauty and tragedy. this flowing web of love connecting us all is the only reason worth living—just because we are all in it together.

our fates are collectively sealed, and so is our suffering and joy. and whatever i am vibrates and affects the people around me, and sends a signal/message/vibration into the larger sphere i inhabit. it is the collective suffering and joy i seek solace in. it is in the divine forces of gods and nature (no difference) i find comfort in. that nature is god and god is nature, and adhering to the invisible laws of nature is to act in accordance with god. to, as they say, let nature take its course. let love lead the way.